Silver Regrets
by john4096
Summary: If Shade had acted upon his inner desire and set out to become strong like Goth, only one thing would be able to stop him. Rated T to be safe, the books were after all.


Silver Regrets

**Chapter 1: Change of Plans**

They continued to fly over the frozen river. The winds, though relatively merciful, still lashed out in cold blasts. Shade flew at the front, leading the way to the final landmark. Goth took up position slightly behind him and to his left, greatly anticipating their arrival. At the rear, Throbb shivered violently, keeping a careful watch over Marina.

Goth had been surprised at the recent turn of events. Shade had seen the light: he had seen the weakness that plagued the northern bats. He wanted to be strong, to cease being a runt. He had asked Goth to show him how to hunt for meat, and Goth had obliged.

Goth was skeptical at first: Shade was smart. Goth felt certain that the little silverwing was simply waiting for him to let down his guard. But he had taken well to hunting. Of course, he was still puny, but he had managed to catch some small land rodents and tore into them eagerly.

Goth was beginning to see potential for Shade. Sure, there were plenty of larger, worthier Vampyrum back in the jungle, but Shade could grow. More importantly, Goth thought, Shade had intelligence and cunning, which most of the other Vampyrum lacked.

"How much farther?", Throbb moaned. His frostbite had spread to the majority of his left wing, and he could hardly keep up. Goth stared in disgust at the scabby, raw flesh that covered his wing membrane. Goth didn't think Throbb would make it, but who needed him anyway? Throbb was weak and dim-witted.

"Just a few hundred wingbeats!", Shade called back. "There should be a waterfall coming up soon!"

This was the most surprising of the changes Shade had undergone: he no longer seemed to care about the well being of his colony. Instead, he was willingly leading the group towards the silverwings' sanctuary. Goth felt it was almost too good to be true. No, Goth _knew_ it was almost too good to be true…almost.

"Why are you doing this, Shade?", Marina pleaded. "How can you turn your back on your entire colony? Think about Frieda…Ariel…Chinook…"

Goth winced slightly at Marina's voice. Despite his own lack of affection for any but himself, Goth was no fool. He could tell by the way Shade acted around her that something deeper existed between the two little bats. The idea worried him slightly. He needed Shade to convince his colony to travel south with him—to the pyramid of Zotz—and she was the one thing that could ruin that plan.

Shade turned back to look at Marina, his face show the disappointment that fueled his angry response: "Come on, Marina! When will you realize that Nocturna's not going to save us? We can stand up to the birds and fight for the skies, or we can do nothing and die!"

Marina shot him a defiant glare, "Then I choose to die!"

Shade's face faltered slightly, his mouth opening to retaliate, before hardening again. He turned his head away from her and continued to lead the way.

They flew on in silence. Goth became even more concerned. Despite Shade's efforts to hide it, Goth had not failed to notice the way his eyes faltered at Marina's harsh words. Throbb didn't have many wingbeats left in him, and Goth doubted he would be able to carry out his task alone—he needed Shade.

He would have to do something about Marina.

**Chapter 2: A Simple Request**

After flying a short distance further, they found the waterfall. Goth looked down at the rushing water with some apprehension. A pure sheet of deadly torrents rained down hundreds of feet to a bed of sharp rocks. His fur began to soak in the mist.

Shade indicated to them a small opening in the curtain of water, "They should be right through there. You might have to pull your wings in tight at the last moment, but you should just make it through."

Goth sprayed a web of sound at the opening, trying to gauge its size. It would be a very tight fit, and Goth took note to make Throbb go first. Satisfied, Goth led them to a nearby cave to roost.

"We will stay here for the day, and go to meet your colony tomorrow, Shade", Goth said with a wicked smile on his face, "I'm sure they're dying to see you again."

As Goth and Throbb settled down to sleep near the mouth of the cave, blocking off any means of escape, Marina turned to Shade with an expression of pure loathing.

"So this is it?", she demanded, "After everything you said, after all we've been through, you're just going to let them at your entire colony?"

Shade sighed, "I don't have any choice! If I don't do what Goth says, he'll kill me on the spot!"

Shade was lying, of course, whether he admitted it or not. What he had said was perfectly true, but it was not the real reason for his cooperation.

"Do you really think that's going to solve the problem, Shade? Please tell me you're not that stupid!", Marina was having difficulty keeping her voice down. She fought to control herself, for she did not wish to wake their captors—her life was of little value to them. She looked straight into Shade's eyes, looking for the scared little bat that she knew was hiding deep inside him, below this tough act. "One day, you're going to stop being useful to Goth—and that could be tomorrow for all you know—and when that day comes, he'll kill you, just the same. Is it worth betraying your whole family for a few extra days?"

Shade just shook his head, "It's not just Goth that's the problem! If not him, it could be an owl, a pigeon…anything!" Shade began to shake a little with emotion. "These guys can show us how to hunt for meat! They can show us how to become stronger—defend ourselves! Nocturna's not going to help us, so we need to help ourselves!"

Marina cut him off, "Damn it, Shade! I thought Frieda told you that war isn't the answer! You just want to feel strong and important! Why do you have to be so selfish?", she turned away from him and wrapped herself up in her wings. Her last words were barely above a whisper, "I thought you were different."

Shade opened his mouth, intent upon getting the last word in, but he had nothing to say. Her last words had truly stung him. Was it his fault that he wanted to be able to fend for himself for once? His entire life had been acceptance of the fact that other people would always have the right to push him around.

He looked at Marina one last time before directing his gaze out of the cave at the horizon. He began to feel lonely and kicked himself for it. _Why am I even bothering with her?_, Shade thought, _if she's too stubborn to see things my way, it's her loss._

Shade was jolted out of his thoughts by a growling whisper:

"Shade"

Goth had been slowly creeping towards him from the side, having evidently heard the entire conversation. "Shade, I must confess to you something of vital importance to your well being", Goth said, grinning slightly. "I must confess that I see potential in you, Shade Silverwing. You've proven to be quite the clever little bat. If you continue to eat meat, you'll soon grow to be nearly as strong as I!"

At this, Goth spread his formidable three-foot wings. He lowered his voice. "But I'm concerned, Shade, that your feelings for Marina might prevent you from reaching your full potential. A strong bat cares for no one and helps only those who can give him something of worth. Emotional attachment leads to nothing but trouble. She needs to be out of the way."

Shade looked at Goth. His eyes betrayed the smallest hint of fear as he asked: "You're going to kill her, aren't you?"

Goth laughed in his menacing growl, "Why should I have all the fun, Shade? No, I think this could be a good test for you…" A wicked smile crept across his face, and he made sure to watch Shade's expression carefully as he spoke the last few words, "…I want _you_ to kill her."

**Chapter 3: Close Call**

Marina was dreaming—her head was filled with human flying machines, a bat caught on fire, the sun blotted out, thunder and lightning...then she saw Shade's face. He looked nervous, as though he wanted to say something, but couldn't. His mouth started moving. Marina strained to listen…what was he saying?

"Marina!", Shade was shaking her, trying to get her attention, "Marina, get up! Quickly!".

Marina's eyes snapped open to find Shade looking at her, his face fraught with worry. She gave him a withering look, "What?"

Shade pointed to the mouth of the cave. She shot out waves of sound, expecting to see the silhouettes of Goth and Throbb, asleep by the exit. She let out a gasp: they were gone!

"They've gone out hunting,", Shade told her, "Quick!"

With that, he took off, flying for the mouth of the cave. Marina followed, still a little confused. Soon they were flying over the vast forest, free. "I don't get it? Why aren't they keeping watch over the exit?"

"They are! They're supposed to alternate guard shifts, but Throbb can't fly as fast with his bad wing", Shade explained, "He won't be long though, we need to find somewhere to hide, fast."

"But I thought you wanted to travel south with them", she said, remembering to mask her curiosity with a condescending tone, "I thought you wanted to become big and strong and eat meat!"

"I was just doing whatever I could to keep us alive!", Shade insisted, "I figured if I could keep Goth happy long enough, it would give us more chances to escape."

Marina wanted desperately to believe him—to believe that Shade had truly been putting on an act this whole time. "What about all of those mice? You didn't seemed bothered by the thought of ripping out their hearts!"

For a while Shade didn't respond. "I guess, with the bands and the promise and the owls and…everything…I guess it felt good to have that kind of power."

She knew she shouldn't let him off so easily, but now was not the time to argue. "So what now? Are we going to Hibernaculum? Do we still have time to warn everybody?"

"No", Shade replied, "they're probably waiting for us at the entrance as we speak. For now, we need a place to hide."

They began searching for a suitable place to land. Eventually, Shade spotted a wide, bare cedar tree with a knothole halfway up the trunk. He sent a barrage of sound at the opening and the returning echoes painted an image of a cavernous hollow, easily large enough to fit the two of them.

"There!", he yelled to Marina, indicating the tree to her, "Through that knothole!".

They angled their wings and shot through the small opening, one after another. After landing, Shade cast a net of sound over his surroundings, investigating their roost more closely. It had clearly been hollowed out by some sort of small rodent, based on the size of the knothole and the roughness of the cavern walls. Still, it sufficed to hold the two of them.

Still, the bats found themselves slightly cramped, with little space separating their bodies from each other. Marina looked over at her friend, the only one she had had in a long time. He looked downcast and lonely, and she began to feel guilty.

"Shade, I'm sorry. I should've realized you were just trying to get us out of this alive." Marina looked at him, smiling weakly. She realized, painfully, that it was the first friendly gesture she had extended to him in days.

Shade didn't meet her gaze. "It's not like it did much good. Goth might spend a few nights trying to find us, but he's not going to risk ending up like Throbb." Shade sighed sadly, "I've failed everyone."

For a while, Marina could think of no way to comfort him. Finally, she said "Then we'll just have do what we can." She looked out the knothole, "We should rest for now. We'll figure something out tomorrow". With that she turned herself away from him slightly, wrapped her wings tightly around her body, and closed her eyes.

This was it. Marina was completely defenseless. It was now or never. Carefully, he took small steps towards the brightwing's sleeping form, her bright fur quivering as she breathed. He slowed his breathing as much as he could, desperately hoping she wouldn't hear his heart pounding in his chest.

Soon, he found himself with his body pressed up against hers slightly. He could see the peaceful look on her face, a smile playing on the corners of her mouth, dreaming. He drew a deep, silent breath and prepared himself for what he was about to do.

Slowly, he opened his jaws and leaned forward, aligning his teeth with her neck. He began to gradually clamp down, until he felt the tips of his fangs make contact with her soft flesh. Just as he was about to pierce the skin, he looked up once more into her calm face.

Marina's eyes shot open, and in them Shade could see the mixture of fear and confusion on his own reflected back. In that split second, everything came crashing down on him. The realization of everything he had done—everything that had happened. As he looked into Marina's gentle, beautiful features, he realized that this was a sacrifice he could not make.

"Shade?", Marina's voice quivered in quiet terror.

Shade hastily released his grip, tears streaming down his face as he turned his back on her. There was no end to the shame he felt at what he had almost done. Loathing and self-hatred mixed with the emotions already storming inside him. He felt like he would die from the anguish.

"Marina…I'm so sorry…Goth told me…said he would kill me…I…I just can't".

Shade stared at the wall, wishing more than ever that he had never been born. Wishing that owl had killed him when he peeked at the sun…wishing that Goth had just ripped out his heart when they had first met…wishing for anything but to be there.

He waited for Marina to scream at him, to hit him, to shoot out of the knothole and never return. He could never atone for his actions.

To his surprise, Marina moved in close behind him. He could feel the warmth from her body against his back. He could feel her fur rubbing against his, and he cried harder still.

"Shade…why?"

Shade shook his head dolefully, "It's always been you. That's the real reason." He sniffed, and drew a deep, shaking breath. "I didn't appease Goth for me…I didn't sell out my colony for me. I did it because I figured that the longer those monsters stayed happy, the longer you got to live. And I…I didn't realize it until now." He poured his heart out to her, "I didn't realize until it was too late."

Shade felt Marina's claws grasp his shoulders and turn him around sharply. He closed his eyes, expecting for her to hit him, beat him…kill him for all he cared. He stood, ready for whatever was coming.

She kissed him.

Shade resisted at first, confused. Realizing what was happening, he tried to pull back—he didn't deserve this. Marina held him tightly. Finally, he gave in to the desire he had fought since he first met her—an autumn leaf, not yet fallen. He returned the embrace, wrapping his wings tightly around hers.

They remained in this passionate stance, the problems that have followed them along their journey a distant memory. Hours passed in seconds; when they finally withdrew, Marina had tears in her eyes: "I knew you were different."

**Chapter 4: Return**

Goth paced around the floor of the cave, waiting for Shade's return. His concern began to grow as the minutes passed—surely it should not be taking this long. He felt foolish for trusting Shade with such a task. He had learned long ago that the only way to get something done was to do it yourself.

He couldn't wait much longer: he was already beginning to develop a numbness in his wing tips. He decided to give it until daybreak before heading to Hibernaculum, with or without Shade.

Just as the horizon began glow with the coming dawn, Goth spotted a small dot approaching him from afar. His anxiety gave away to a sense of pride—Shade was truly his, now. Nothing would stand in his way. As Shade's silhouette became more defined, Goth could see that his mouth was covered in dried blood.

"I underestimated you Shade. I was beginning think you didn't have it in you!", Goth admitted after Shade had roosted beside him. He felt very pleased with his new apprentice.

"She put up a good fight, but she was no match for a bat living off meat", Shade replied, mimicking Goth's wicked smile.

"You, see Shade!", Goth exclaimed triumphantly, extending a wing to pat him on the back, "You see, now, that I spoke the truth! She was older than you—and bigger than you—but meat has given you strength! Strength the likes of which puny bats such as she can only dream!"

Shade's smile was replaced by a quizzical look, "Where's Throbb?"

Goth looked away in disgust, "He died hours ago". Goth's voice carried no emotion, "It was pathetic, how much he whimpered near the end—weakling."

He turned, "But you, Shade…you have proven yourself a worthier ally than he." Goth twisted his face into a smile again, "And now, I feel it's time that you introduced me to your colony."

**Chapter 5: Reunion**

The two bats circled in front of the massive waterfall. The noise blinded Shade's eco-vision, filling his head with a silvery mass of sound, and he had to rely on his eyes to find the right spot.

Goth's mouth began watering at the thought of all of those bats, sleeping soundly. They would never know what hit them. _No_, he thought, _I must take them back to the jungle with me…I must help raise Zotz from the underworld._. Still, no one would notice if a few bats went missing along the way, now would they?

"It's right through there", Shade said, indicating a break in the torrents of water. "If you're careful, you should just make it through."

Goth shot through the hole, eager to have arrived at last. After all the traveling, all of Throbb's whining, and the constant delays caused by Shade and Marina, he would finally get what he wanted.

When he was through, he opened his eyes to a vast cave, filled with hundreds of roosts scattered along the ceiling. It could have easily held thousands of small bats. However, as Goth's eyes swept over Hibernaculum, he failed to spot a single silverwing.

Goth's disappointment gave way to rage, "Shade!" He turned back towards the falling water, furiously searching for the little runt. "Where are all the bats, Shade? You told me they were here!" His search was futile: Shade had not followed him through the waterfall.

"Shade? Where are you? What is the meaning of this?" Goth searched for the opening through which he had entered the cavern. The wall of water pouring down before him seemed solid. Frantically, he spotted a small slit in the curtain of the waterfall.

"Shade! You will die for this!", Goth yelled before veering towards the small opening.

He knew the second he had hit the water that he had chosen the wrong spot. Water crashed down on his back, exerting an immense downward force on his body. Desperately trying to steady himself, his wings clipped the sides of the waterfall, sending him spiraling towards the sharp rocks below.

Shade watched as Goth's body plummeted towards the ground before disappearing into the dark rocks and mist at its end. Shade held his breath, waiting for the cannibal to surface. Nothing. He continued to wait. Only when he was certain that Goth was gone for good did he made his way towards the forest.

Shade cleaned the berries off his muzzle before flying to the tree he had picked out earlier that day. It was a small spruce tree with a thin trunk and withering needles; it had clearly succumbed to fungus weeks earlier. Shade dove towards the ground, flying through a small hole at the tree's base, entering the underground sanctuary where his colony waited for his return.

"Shade!", his heart leapt as he saw his mother crawled towards him, weaving her way through the many sleeping silverwings.

"Mom!", he too began to crawl towards her.

When they had reached each other at last, Ariel wrapped her wings around him and squeezed tightly. Shade welcomed her hug whole-heartedly—for the first time in nearly a month, he felt truly safe.

"Oh Shade…I thought I would never see you again", she whispered into his ear.

"Yeah, I was worried you were going to get yourself killed without me around to save your tail."

Shade turned to see Marina, crawling up beside him. She hugged him as well, and Shade felt a familiar excitement course through his veins. As they pulled back they looked into each other's face, both wanting to relive the events in the hollowed out cedar tree. With their eyes, they came to a mutual agreement: later.

"What's this we've been told about bats the size of owls coming to eats us?", Bathsheeba demanded skeptically as she made her way onto the scene. Behind her, the other silverwing elders followed. "Or did you tear us from our Hibernation just for the fun of it? You seem to have a strange attraction to causing problems for this colony."

"Ahem." Frieda cleared her throat, silencing Bathsheeba who shot Shade a dirty look before closing her mouth. The chief elder smiled warmly at the runt in which she had put so much faith, "I think we would all like to hear the full story, Shade."

And so, Shade and Marina told the story of their long journey. They told of their meeting on the island, of their close encounter with the city pigeons, of the owl's treacherous new law to close the skies, and their narrow escape from the cannibal bats.

When it came time, they decided to skip the part where Shade had almost killed Marina…and the part where Marina had brought Shade back to life.

* * *

Well...I've been meaning to upload this somewhere for a while, but I didn't know where. Then, I found this site. So, here it is!

I realized after writing it that it was a bit more like an alternative ending than I had originally intended, but I feel the original theme is still present. I'm not sure how well I stayed true to the characters, however. Shade did, at one point, desire to become strong like Goth and Throbb, but I think in "reality" he would never have taken things as far as he did here. I guess this is really just a well-organized ranting of my distracted mind.

As with most things I write, I start off feeling very pleased with it only to dislike it more and more with each time I read it. This makes it very difficult to make a critical analysis. So, I'm looking to you readers to help me improve. If you like it, even just slightly, I'll probably write another one (hopefully one I'm more confident in). I've seen some of the work of the other Silverwing fanfiction writers here, and I have to say it's impressive. I trust your judgement here.

Man, every time I write one of these carefully-planned footnotes I start to ramble again (I'm losing confidence in these very words as I type them). Anyway, please read and review!


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